Do we need a wedding gift list?

There's a point in wedding planning when somebody — usually a parent, an aunt or a particularly organised friend — asks: “So, where's your gift list?” And if your immediate thought is, “We haven't even decided where everyone's sitting yet”, you're not alone. A wedding gift list isn't compulsory. There's no etiquette rule saying you must have one. But it can make life considerably easier for your guests — and for you.

The awkward thing about wedding gifts

Most guests genuinely want to give you something.

The problem is that without any guidance, they're left guessing.

Do you need another set of wine glasses? Would you rather have something for the house? Are you saving for something bigger? Do you even want presents?

A gift list answers that question without your guests having to ask.

It isn't about demanding gifts. It's about making things easier for people who were probably planning to give you something anyway.

Wedding lists have changed

The traditional wedding list made perfect sense when couples were getting married before they had set up home together.

You needed plates. Towels. Pans. Cutlery. A toaster. Possibly a terrifying amount of crystal glassware.

For many couples today, things look rather different.

You may already have lived together for five years. You may have combined two homes into one. You may already own three frying pans and have absolutely no desire to acquire a fourth.

That doesn't make a wedding gift list irrelevant.

It just means the list needs to work differently.

Rather than asking guests to choose from dozens of individual products, you can let everyone contribute towards one shared wedding gift.

It's simpler for guests and gives you much more flexibility afterwards.

What if we really don't want presents?

Then say so.

There's nothing wrong with telling guests that their presence is enough.

But it's worth remembering that some people will still want to give you something. Parents, grandparents and close friends in particular can feel uncomfortable arriving empty-handed.

Giving them an optional, straightforward way to contribute can actually remove the awkwardness.

The important word is optional.

Your wedding invitation should never make a gift feel like the price of admission.

Is a gift list rude?

Not if you handle it well.

The difference is in how you share it.

Instead of putting a demand front and centre on your invitation, most couples now add their gift-list details to their wedding website, information card or online guest information.

That's enough.

No trumpet fanfare required.

A good wedding list should make things easier

That's really the test.

• It should be easy for guests to understand.
• Easy for them to contribute.
• Easy for you to share.

And it shouldn't turn into another major wedding-planning project.

The best wedding gift list is one you can set up, share and then largely forget about while you concentrate on the considerably more complicated task of getting everybody to the right venue at the right time.